Missing Pieces

It's been about 3 weeks since I last posted, so I have quite a bit to say and to get off my mind. I usually try and post once a week but since my daughter leaving I've been really down and not really wanting to do much of anything lately. Today I just needed to sit down and get things off my chest release the tension that has been building. 

House Arrest 

Because of my condition I fell trapped, as if I am in a prisoner in my own home. What's funny is before I started taking anti-depressants I wanted to be home and left alone. Now that I'm on anti-depressants I want to get out and do things. Now with this condition, I'm physically challenged on some days but it doesn't stop there not long ago we voluntarily turned in our Dodge Journey. So we are down to 1 vehicle so I can't go anywhere without either

• A. Drive Dave to work or
• B. Wait for Dave to get home from work.  

So I find myself stuck since Dave usually doesn't get home until 5:30 - 6pm and by then I'm done for the day. I only leave the house each day to walk the kids to and from the bus stop. I socialize a bit with the waiting parents than as the bus comes and goes.. we are on our way.

Katelyn goes Home 

I had an awesome time when Katelyn was here. She's my oldest daughter about to turn 13, amazing it's been so long. When we hang out during the summer we cuddle like she's 4 years old again. I really miss her and made a huge mistake in my life allowing myself to be so willing to give up everything to get away from my ex. I wanted away from him so badly, at the time of the divorce I didn't have a job, I didn't have a car, I was barely getting by. It was the best choice for her. It kills me. Now she's with her Dad and while he's still controlling she loves him and she knows how he is. He's a good father I do know that, wasn't the best husband for me tho. Anyway off topic.. Katelyn had a good time here although we didn't do much in the line of fun stuff away from the house. But just as the last week ends we found even more common interests. Our love for music and the kinds of music. It was funny going through my music lists putting it on her shuffle. She would tell me how much she liked a particular song and I'd remember she was only 4 when it came out. Good times. I hope her dad will allow her to come visit us at Christmas time.. it's been so long since I've had a Christmas with her! I think the last one I remember she was 6 years old. That's awful! Either way she knows I love her deeply.. she will always be my baby girl!

Good Bye - Katelyn, Tampa 
 & Tropical Storm Issac
It was time for Katelyn to go home :( She was flying out of Tampa. So after David got off work the girls jumped into the blazer and drove to my Dad's house. We got in later than I wanted to but we made it. It was a fun little trip going out there with Katelyn, Cassidy and I although I wish we could have gotten a bit more time with Katelyn while we were there. Katelyn's flight was first thing in the morning so she got to see Grandpa before he headed off to work and before we left. I got lost going to my Dad's house and seriously I'm not shocked my Phone's GPS seems to take us a different route everytime. I dunno why, just does. But it cost us time and gas.. we got in around 10 pm that night. Everyone was asleep except one of my sisters V-L She sat and talked to us for a bit than we were off to sleep.
Got Katelyn off to the airport just fine, no problems there.. we went through security.. thankfully not the x-ray machine this time. I really hate going through that thing, I feel like I'm being violated or something. Anyway, we got to her gate just as they were already starting to board the plane. I didn't cry.. until I couldn't see her anymore. I watched her walk all the way down and get on the plane. Than my eyes wouldn't stop watering. 

Headed back to my Dad's house to hang out with everyone back at the house. My Dad was at work so it was mostly a ladies day. When I got back it was just V-L there. We were chilling out and she told me about clearance at the Family Dollar store.. she asks if I want to go.. why not. While we were there she was looking at clothes and Cassidy pointed out these awesome sun hats. So we tried them on and posing for the camera. It's always fun to have a laugh or two with your kids and nieces. It was a great trip to be honest with you. While Dave was home with the boys cranky wanting his wife home I was just kicking back with the family. It's nice to get away once and awhile especially since I feel like I am under house arrest all the time. I know I'm not but I never seem to be able to just jump in a car and go. 

Tropical Storm Issac was starting to really hit Florida Sunday Aug 26 when I was heading home from Tampa. It's not a long drive across state, from my Dad's house it's only 3 hours but the last 15 miles home seemed like the longest drive ever. It wasn't bad at all until I got onto I 95. We were expecting them to call off school for Monday but they didn't so we sent the kids to school. Well little did anyone know how bad it was going to end up.. We were flooded. Our road was completely flooded I've never seen it so bad, now the question was HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET THE KIDS!?! 

 

 asking myself where did the river come from. 

So you can see from the pictures that it wasn't so easy to get the kids.
I ended up pulling the stroller through the neighbor's back yard and stopped at the highest point and just waited. I am glad that Mrs C stopped and dropped the kids off for me at the corner. (Not the regular bus stop)
I was there for about an hour. The rain kept coming down, and a nice couple came asking if we needed anything. They brought over a garbage bag to put over Liam's roof top and me an umbrella. I was grateful. Its great to know there are strangers that really care about their neighbors!

Near by intersection of on our street. 

This Truck was passing in front of our house. 

 About 6pm that night I checked to see if they were going to have school .. they called it off go figure. Cause when I checked outside at 10pm - later that night - it was all gone.. it was dry!

 

The Fights with my Sisters..  I usually just take it easy but lately I am just not in a mood to take things easy. I don't think my sister V and I can ever mend our relationship. We are just two different people. While I love her so much and I'd do anything for her she's insulted me in so many ways that she doesn't even know. This last time we got into an argument my younger sister A got caught in the middle of it. While I am not mad at her now cause I now know what she was trying to do at the time I felt betrayed. Since communication sucks in my family 3 weeks later we still aren't talking. I sent her a text today and it didn't seem to go over well either. She was upset cause I unfriended her on Facebook. It's not like I kicked her out of my life but to her I guess it seems as if I have. I can't seem to please anyone no matter how much I've tried. I've tried being nice and complacent for too long I suppose. It just didn't work and while I have too much going on in my life and I want to talk to my sisters I can't. By blood they are my sisters but somehow I've always felt like I was more like a distant cousin they don't really talk to.  The love I have for my sisters goes beyond what either of them will ever know, I just wish I knew how to break this damn cycle of pain that keeps us apart! 

School Starts.... 

This time of year is always a great thing, they get back into school and start seeing friends again..
Well it is Reiley's first year in a structured environment so he's not doing so well at following all the rules. That's to be expected in my opinion. Reiley like my other children is very strong minded and wants to do what Reiley wants to do. We are still working out the bugs with them.. so hopefully he'll start to get the hang of it soon. Cassidy on the other hand has been a total thorn in my side, she's always up and ready to go to school... even gets into the shower on her own! All before I wake up in the morning. My alarm goes off at 7am, I don't know how that girl does it anyway.. it's the after school part we have problems with. She doesn't listen to me, she doesn't want to do her homework, she doesn't want to read, she doesn't put her book bag away and loses her planner. This is all in the first month school as began. I suppose I have to be thankful she enjoys going. 

Clipart by Ron Leishman - http://clipartof.com/441064

The kids' bus stop isn't on our road anymore which really sucks for me. It's really not that far either but for me it can be too far. I haven't had a total bad day yet, but today as I was walking in a Thunderstorm with sharp piercing bolts of lightening lighting up the sky it was a bit nerve racking to be walking Liam and myself in that especially since Liam is in a stroller. Yes walking in the rain today.. so much fun .. NOT! The main road that the bus stop is on is so busy too, I hate it! Always so much traffic with no side walks. I can't really push a stroller in the sandy grass. Today I pushed myself to far trying to get to the bus stop in the rain while wearing this huge overcoat that I've had since High School. I had Liam covered by a thick beach towel. Thankfully he stayed dry! I could feel the rain seeping through my jacket and onto my skin. Gave me the creeps.
I've emailed the Bus transportation several times about adding a stop back to my road because of my condition. Having Fibromyalgia isn't always easy and it brings on more stress which is ironic since the damn thing is caused by too much stress (so they think). They told me it's within the .20 miles from my home location. I don't understand why they couldn't just swing by and pick up the kids.. the bus driver is a gem tho. I love Mrs C. She has been outstanding since Cassidy started Kindergarten. She told me next time it rains to wait closer to my house but still on the busy main road and she'll drop the kids off. She knows that I struggle, I really appreciate the effort she does for me and my family!!! She will be rewarded in life for sure, I know as a going away gift we plan to do something extra special because she's been so wonderful! 

Is it coming or not???

Liam has been super cranky these days, he's more cranky after his naps. So the last few days my afternoons have been in complete hell. While I walk the kids home from the bus stop I stress cause of traffic, my legs are working double time and simply it's the end of the day. I don't feel good myself. But like I said Liam has been cranky.. he's got a tooth that just doesn't seem to want to pop out. I've helped him soothe it with ice pops and he chews on his favorite blanket but he's just a bear. He'll want to sit on my lap but than get down and than screams at me cause I put him down. He wanted down in the first place OMG. So I pick him up. He cuddles on my lap and against my chest for a time especially when I am patting him on the back. It's so nice and gentle but than he'll want down again. So OK! I put him down and the cycle of screaming and whining begins again. He'll follow me whining where ever I go. If he I feel he wants something to eat he refuses food. And all he'll take is a bottle, but that's only when he's really hungry cause otherwise he'll take a sip and throw it to the ground leaking milk all over my damn floor.. I know don't cry over spilt milk. It's just stressful. For some reason he's not as unbearable when Dave's around. He probably just likes him more I swear. So tonight I tried to give him dinner he refused I said FINE.. grabbed his bottle scooped him up and off to bed he went. So much quieter in the house right now. :) 

Moods.... 

Lately I can't seem to control my moods, like today I was super happy until about noon.. one person set me off and that set my entire day for disaster. So not fair to the people who live in this house I'll tell you that. Thankfully my husband loves me so much that he works around my moods and tries to help as much as he can where he can. (At least today is he)
Things keep going wrong in so many ways, I just wish there was a solution to fix some of our financial problems. I want to go back to work but physically I wouldn't make it long. Dave tells me this all the time and makes me feel like I can't do it so why try. If I do say screw it drop my case with Social Security Disability and try and go back to work so I feel worth a shit, I fail and have to start the damn process all over again. I certainly don't want that. I don't think I can handle it. I know there is nothing we can do but mentally I'm exhausted, I'm stressed. Our debt has gotten out of control when we try and relieve ourselves of one problem another pops up. I'm only kidding myself. Whose to say in a year or two when I finally go to court that I will even be awarded. I guess I have to wait and see but it tears me up further and further inside.


I'm in a downward spiral and hitting every step down 

as I roll down further and further...
I don't think there is any getting up anymore. 

  Credit to the artist..

The Downward Spiralby ~wiwijumbo

Photography / Abstract & Surreal

©2002-2012 ~wiwijumbo