Heartbroken

Since I was 9 years old I've been heartbroken. I lost my mother and I became lost.. When I was nine years old I took a bottle of Tylenol while being that young I didn't know that if I took the whole bottle it would make me sick but I wanted to take it to end my life to be with my Mom. I've never told anyone this before why now - who knows. I've struggled with depression for many years in my life but when I was 9 I felt the responsibility of helping my Dad take care of my younger siblings. V was only a year younger than me, she so didn't understand what happen, M was only 18 months and A was 8 months old. Dad just couldn't do it on his own he needed me I thought.. I still don't know. My Aunt says I stepped up and helped out with the kids a lot. I really don't remember that actually I don't remember a lot of things around that time frame. It really sucks that I can't remember my mother at all!

When I was 10 my father met a woman with two girls S & M(2) it started out nice. Seem like it was fitting into a family again. I wasn't ready for my Dad to replace my mother so soon but I assume he was doing his best I don't know. My Dad isn't the sharing type... eventually they got married. Then eventually we moved into her house. This is where things changed and took an ugly turn, we were to be molded into what she wanted in a child, she (R) became demanding on how things were done in the house, cleaning, ironing and studying. If things didn't go the way she wanted them to she would get angry and most of the time become violent. I was always on some sort of punishment, I hid in a closet or ran around the table to get away from her. R would yank my hair from one end of the house to the other just because the house wasn't vacuumed the way she wanted it.  She was so good at abusing me that I never had marks which I was thankful because no matter what everything I did was usually protecting my natural siblings.

A told me once that V wanted me to be how I used to be, stand up for myself. I guess I don't remember much because I tend to block things out.
A lot more things happened... but to get to my point of today's blog....

Just as I turned 14 years old my father decided it wasn't best if I stayed in the family anymore and sent me to live with my Aunt. I was told when I left I was not to call, write or anything to anyone in the family. That killed me, my sisters and brother were my everything.. my dad was my everything.. I loved my family and before my mother died we were such an awesome family. Everything changes... I know.

After spending 2 1/2 years away I was getting my life on track, I was in honors classes... I was doing good until I got a letter from my Dad asking me to come home. He said he was divorcing R and I was excited I'd get my family back. Little did I know I wasn't. I moved back and R was going to be living at Dad's new house. A & M were there also but not V. Totally sucked. I tried to make the best of it. I even drove out to V's house to see her.. for the past 20 years it's the same with her and I... 2 different people who can't seem to find our way back to being sisters. Breaks my heart. Over the past 10 years after leaving my ex husband I've tried getting closer to her and it never seem to work out. I even would hold my tongue so I wouldn't get into an argument with her. No matter what I did we were just 2 different people. What's worse with V is I miss her even the stupid once every few months quick chat I miss. This last argument I got in with V I spoke my mind, but I got mad at A at the same time because while she was trying to help... she only made it worse. I have no idea how A feels about me right now.

My brother M and I play a lot of the same online games. To me its a way to connect with him. I always thought we were close, he even told me that once before. But what totally breaks my heart is what happened tonight. (Well last night at this point) He was acting weird and since I know him so well I felt he was talking about me, I wasn't sure what was going on cause he was being so vague. I open up his Facebook and check his messenger --- no lie about it I did --- I read some of the most insane things. But OK that doesn't bother me as much as he didn't care about me.. and claims he hardly knows me.  1 person I always tell people is "I'm close to my brother".   I've been there so many time for him. I've given him 2 cars.. on the 2nd one.. I paid the insurance on it for nearly 3 years while he drove it. I mean I used to send him money for groceries. To get shit on and told that he hardly knows me - wtf. What was I then an ATM?

So tonight I just dying inside, my heart is so broken that I feel like that 9 year old little girl again except this time I have more than just a bottle of tynenol. But Damn it.. Here I am again that 9 year old little girl looking over my shoulder to see 3 more children who need me.

I am just heartbroken ... all I have ever wanted was my family back but to be an adult and lose them all again.