Heartbroken

Since I was 9 years old I've been heartbroken. I lost my mother and I became lost.. When I was nine years old I took a bottle of Tylenol while being that young I didn't know that if I took the whole bottle it would make me sick but I wanted to take it to end my life to be with my Mom. I've never told anyone this before why now - who knows. I've struggled with depression for many years in my life but when I was 9 I felt the responsibility of helping my Dad take care of my younger siblings. V was only a year younger than me, she so didn't understand what happen, M was only 18 months and A was 8 months old. Dad just couldn't do it on his own he needed me I thought.. I still don't know. My Aunt says I stepped up and helped out with the kids a lot. I really don't remember that actually I don't remember a lot of things around that time frame. It really sucks that I can't remember my mother at all!

When I was 10 my father met a woman with two girls S & M(2) it started out nice. Seem like it was fitting into a family again. I wasn't ready for my Dad to replace my mother so soon but I assume he was doing his best I don't know. My Dad isn't the sharing type... eventually they got married. Then eventually we moved into her house. This is where things changed and took an ugly turn, we were to be molded into what she wanted in a child, she (R) became demanding on how things were done in the house, cleaning, ironing and studying. If things didn't go the way she wanted them to she would get angry and most of the time become violent. I was always on some sort of punishment, I hid in a closet or ran around the table to get away from her. R would yank my hair from one end of the house to the other just because the house wasn't vacuumed the way she wanted it.  She was so good at abusing me that I never had marks which I was thankful because no matter what everything I did was usually protecting my natural siblings.

A told me once that V wanted me to be how I used to be, stand up for myself. I guess I don't remember much because I tend to block things out.
A lot more things happened... but to get to my point of today's blog....

Just as I turned 14 years old my father decided it wasn't best if I stayed in the family anymore and sent me to live with my Aunt. I was told when I left I was not to call, write or anything to anyone in the family. That killed me, my sisters and brother were my everything.. my dad was my everything.. I loved my family and before my mother died we were such an awesome family. Everything changes... I know.

After spending 2 1/2 years away I was getting my life on track, I was in honors classes... I was doing good until I got a letter from my Dad asking me to come home. He said he was divorcing R and I was excited I'd get my family back. Little did I know I wasn't. I moved back and R was going to be living at Dad's new house. A & M were there also but not V. Totally sucked. I tried to make the best of it. I even drove out to V's house to see her.. for the past 20 years it's the same with her and I... 2 different people who can't seem to find our way back to being sisters. Breaks my heart. Over the past 10 years after leaving my ex husband I've tried getting closer to her and it never seem to work out. I even would hold my tongue so I wouldn't get into an argument with her. No matter what I did we were just 2 different people. What's worse with V is I miss her even the stupid once every few months quick chat I miss. This last argument I got in with V I spoke my mind, but I got mad at A at the same time because while she was trying to help... she only made it worse. I have no idea how A feels about me right now.

My brother M and I play a lot of the same online games. To me its a way to connect with him. I always thought we were close, he even told me that once before. But what totally breaks my heart is what happened tonight. (Well last night at this point) He was acting weird and since I know him so well I felt he was talking about me, I wasn't sure what was going on cause he was being so vague. I open up his Facebook and check his messenger --- no lie about it I did --- I read some of the most insane things. But OK that doesn't bother me as much as he didn't care about me.. and claims he hardly knows me.  1 person I always tell people is "I'm close to my brother".   I've been there so many time for him. I've given him 2 cars.. on the 2nd one.. I paid the insurance on it for nearly 3 years while he drove it. I mean I used to send him money for groceries. To get shit on and told that he hardly knows me - wtf. What was I then an ATM?

So tonight I just dying inside, my heart is so broken that I feel like that 9 year old little girl again except this time I have more than just a bottle of tynenol. But Damn it.. Here I am again that 9 year old little girl looking over my shoulder to see 3 more children who need me.

I am just heartbroken ... all I have ever wanted was my family back but to be an adult and lose them all again.

Head, Shoulders, Knees and ....

The Pain to Be Normal 

When I close my eyes each night I hope to wake in the morning with no pain, to carry on with a normal pain free life with my family. NO one not even other Fibromyalgia patients can know exactly what I feel each day they can only understand relate to my pain. Each person with fibro has their own experience but we have the same condition and worse it's ongoing for life.

Click Image to make larger

I was talking to my husband about the tender points tonight since I was hurting on my buttocks and he was trying to be playful and a lil smack nearly wanted to make me cry. I pulled up the diagram you'd find on so many sites. Here's an example of one of them. When we counted how many points that I feel flare up on a regular basis it was 16 out of the 18. The worse is my neck, shoulders, buttocks, hips and knees. Those are my worst areas. That doesn't leave me much. My elbows depending on my activities tend to hurt as well but since my shoulders and neck constantly hurt the pain radiates down my arms. When the doctors started trying to figure out where the pain was coming from we also found Arthritis in my spine between the shoulders, so if the Fibromyalgia pain wasn't enough I have the arthritis pain that adds to it. 

My anxiety seems to be worsening lately as well, when I see my doctor in a few weeks I will let her know. I am not sure why but I know that is one of the issues Fibromyalgia has as well. Between my depression and anxiety I've about had it with it all. I am thankful that my husband is so supporting but I think of my children and how they don't understand fully that Mommy isn't like I used to be or like other moms. Cassidy I think understands some but she's older than the boys. She helps me the most when I ask, I'm actually quite proud of her for trying to learn how to do laundry and the dishes. I think she really likes the feeling of importance in the household.  I went to the ER about 2 weeks ago, I was hurting so badly that I wanted to scream and I didn't know what was going on. I have been experiencing not only headaches but now Chronic Migraines as if the Fibromyalgia wasn't enough. I've got medication now to help with that but seriously hurts my budget constantly getting new medication!

I looked at how much I have spent in medication through out the year, while it's not much but its monies that could been spent elsewhere (mind you I use the mail delivery if I didn't use that it would be triple).

Total Amount You Paid: $379.71 **

** This number represents your total out-of-pocket expenses

$379.71 Could buy much needed clothes, shoes, or whatever.. just makes me sick! 

The Holidays 

Christmas was good the kids got to see the grandparents on my side of the family. We spent time with Aunts, Uncles and cousins that is always the best part especially for my kids. They just love being around them. Sometimes they don't get along but on the most part they are always having a ball. The kids were really happy for the gifts they got from everyone and Santa. 

We had an insane issue with the car on Christmas night, the car battery died completely. My father and husband went out to work on trying to charge the battery with the battery charger and suddenly the power went out in my Dad's house. It was an eventful evening it took 3 hours for the guys to get a battery or some sorts going so we could leave town and go back home, by the time they got the car going the lights came back on. I seriously wonder if there was something wrong with our trip and someone was keeping us from heading home. 

Once we got home the kids were excited to see that Santa had stopped by the house. Cassidy got Monster High dolls this Christmas she was begging for them for so long she was thrilled. Reiley got a new remote controlled tractor and some great trucks, and Liam got some trucks as well, I went to Walgreens and found a Ride On Car on sale so I grabbed that up the other day but he doesn't seem to like it much. Maybe in time he'll love it. 


These are my thoughts, feelings and my release from my internal hell! 

Fibro & Me

FIBROMYALGIA 

It began a little over a year ago, it's been a journey for me and my family to get used to. The truth is my children still aren't used to it neither is the rest of my family... 

When all this began my family was in shock, we didn't know what was going on with me and my children especially. They were used to Mommy being able to play, dance and goof around. I've had to stop all that since becoming ill. I talked with my doctors about getting help and they did test after test and found nothing in x-rays, cat scans or any other test they have done. I lost my job because the pain was so unbearable, I couldn't work any longer. I really loved my job helping people why I love customer service positions and always find a job working to help people. Now I need help. I need help doing the simple things in my house I no longer have the stamina to do.

Liam was only 5 months old when I was diagnosed, he was just a baby.. needed his mother the most. Because of my fibro I couldn't even hold him or carry him. I nearly dropped him when my legs gave out on me and my arms became weakened. Since then I was put on medication to help with the Fibromyalgia pains. I've now been put on so many medications it's insane. I went from 2 medications a day to box filled. 

This is not how a person should live. Searching in a box filled with all sorts of pills to make yourself feel better each day. It's even worse when you have a 7 year old to Help get you pills to start your day. This is the importance of the Letters on the top of the bottles. It's been updated since this picture so that when she tries to get my medicine she isn't trying to read what to take when. But crazier she knows what they look like. 

Cassidy has been a blessing in helping me in the morning. Dave (my husband) helps me in the evening to find the right ones.

Reiley is the worst when it comes to understanding everything since he was for the longest time my baby boy. Now he's my big boy and he doesn't understand why he can't jump on me or hug on me like he used to. He's only 4 years old so I have to remind him constantly that Mommy needs her space and Let me hug him at my own strength. 

Fibromyalgia's support ribbon is the color purple and that is why today's blog is in purple text. I still need to get myself a Purple Ribbon Pin but I haven't quite found one that I wanted. I really like this ribbon because of the butterfly. It's a symbol of fibro and reminds me of my grandmother who passed away a few years ago. 

This one is also nice but doubt I can find this one either.





Fibro & Depression ... 

While one of my medications helps with depression, I feel that sometimes it doesn't work enough. I'm finding that my depression increases more and more right now. There are days I've asked Dave if I could just take my whole box of pills and just end life. But I know I can't do that because that would extremely hurt my children in so many ways. I personally know what it's like not to have a mother in my life only surrogate mothers who have been there for me. Now imagine how my anxiety plays into this as well. It can be overwhelming! 

The biggest part of that effects my depression is the inability to work. I want to work so that my family isn't struggling cause right now we struggle so much I want to cry and I hate this feeling. We hardly have enough money to buy groceries for the next two weeks or gas to put in the truck for Dave to get to work. It really upsets me since I am used to having an income. I've always had some sort of income coming into to help my family. I've applied for Social Security Disability and I was denied, we appealed and I was denied again.  I have attorneys now but we are awaiting to be seen in front of a judge so they can hear my case. I am thankful I was able to obtain additional medical proof from the mental health facilities in Okinawa Naval Hospital when I seen doctors there. I've been a depressed person all my life but now its worse. I can't do anything to help my family get out of debt. I can barely do household chores some days and when I push myself beyond my limits I than lose a day or more by being in bed all day.

Fibro & Disability 

I'm fighting to stay strong and not give up. With Social Security it's a waiting process all around. Physically I know I can't do the simple things like working behind a desk for 8 hours because of my fatigue, the ever amount of pain in my neck, shoulders and more. I believe I am more on the severe side of Fibromyalgia patients. I hurt badly all the time. Now I have to prove this to the government. As I get medical evidence I send copies to my lawyers... I kinda do their job for them. I've always supplied them with all the medical data, I guess it's cool I have them cause I just use them to threaten people when I need something.

Fibro & Stress 

Stress has been playing a large part of the additional pain I'm having but what can I do, the stress to see my family suffer is never ending. The fact that I can't even afford food in the house kills me the most. Stress is a possible cause of fibro and I've experienced stress all my life but what is funny as hell is to cure fibro is unknown! Fibro is in itself stressful because of the limitations you have daily.

Fibro & Work

When I was first diagnosed with fibro I had a good job paying pretty decent. I was also attending college previously. I started to have concentration problems why I had to leave school. I thought it was just part of my depression. When I started to have so many pains when I was at work I couldn't walk right, sit at my desk comfortably, and worse unable to use my arms to type because of the pain in my neck and my arms.  I've read in article that "30% of fibro fighters report an inability to hold down a steady job" I can relate because I don't feel I can work a full time job and be able to work for very short bursts. I get exhausted just doing easy family chores around the house. "50% of people with Fibromyalgia report difficulty performing daily activities" I am certainly one of those people. 

For more information on fibromyalgia statistics you can check out their webpage.

Fibro & Nap time... 


That is where I'll be going right now....

It's about that time.. my body is drained and I've spent more time writing this than I should have. I'm exhausted now. :(

Until next time! Merry Christmas! 

~Dev~ 

It's A Remarkable Life

Ordinary Life

Over the past few weeks I've been this, that and the other and to be honest with you most of it is a blur. I don't know why I just can't think of what has happened over the last few weeks so in my thoughts I guess it wasn't anything special or out of the ordinary. Really when is my life ordinary? I just can't really pick out anything in particular ... well maybe one thing. My friend Christina has been coming over and spending time with me. It's so funny we bunker down in my room, watch TV, she does homework and we just chill. I feel like I'm back in school. I really enjoy her company. What is also good is her son who is about 15 is learning to play guitar. David plays the guitar so he's teaching him out to play, where to place his fingers ect. This kid is also in JROTC so he's interested in the military and with Dave's career choice of being a Marine its great the two of them met.  I think Dave is a real role model for him. I think every kid should have positive role models in their lives besides their parents.

Remarkable 

Today I find myself a remarkable person, I have friends that always trip out on me for the friendships I've come to have with people I've met online. Some of them don't realize I met my own husband online. I'm not saying that all people online are safe!!! 

I met David, my husband, online just before he deployed to Iraq.. we started out as friends. We were going to be penpals. Well obviously that didn't go well.. we became more than penpals. Once he came back from Iraq after 7 months of his deployment he came down to Florida to meet me and my daughter Cassidy. It went really well, it wasn't just an online infatuation as some people had thought. Even my father thought I was crazy! Even though I met my first husband online as well and it didn't end well obviously we are divorced, it was a good relationship at first, just moved into a bad one later. We have a wonderful daughter from it and I'd never trade that. Anyway.. my point here is just because you meet someone online doesn't mean you can't meet them in person. You know need to know who you are meeting! I've been lucky all the people I've met online have been the outstanding wonderful people I always believed them to be. Cyndee was another person I met online and she opened her home to me and Cassidy when I was traveling.. I met my dear friends Elliot, Bubba, Jordan, and Eileen all from a chat group we call our online family. 

I met some fools online that I dated too.. they aren't worth mentioning since they really aren't apart of my life anymore. But again, I figured out what details to trust about someone and who not to trust. William Shakespeare I think said it best when he said "Love all, trust a few, do wrong to none." 

Ok back to why I am remarkable. I have a friend whom I met online staying with me until - umm.. I don't know. LOL I know Friday he's traveling not sure if he'll be back. But what I do know is that since he got to Florida he has been sleeping in the car with 2 of his friends. I'm so sorry but that's just not right! So I kinda told him to come down to where I live and stay with me. We went back and forth over it but finally he's here. I might not have the best accommodations since they are sleeping in a packed room right now  but they have air mattresses to sleep on they can stretch out. They are in the air conditioner and not some hot car. ugh.. I just feel like the things I do in life have a purpose, never know what that is yet or will I ever know I don't know. But I feel good that even though I might have met this guy online 4 years ago, he's a good friend, one of my best friends. I only call people my best friend if I can share my deepest secrets to and not feel they will judge me. Well this guy is that and more.. he even calls me on my own bullshit! HA! That's hard to do, that I can tell you! 

Please Note: These are my personal thoughts and experiences of people I have met online. This is not an article on how to trust or meet someone online. I don't want anyone to confuse my experience with it being advice. Please do your own research on the safeties of meeting people online. There are many advice articles and suggestions on what you should do. If you are a teenager please talk to your parents before meeting anyone online! 
Here is one article from Yahoo.. 

Safety Guidelines for Meeting People Online - The Safe Way to Meet People from the Internet

http://voices.yahoo.com/safety-guidelines-meeting-people-online-2423980.html

About.com 

Meeting People Online - The Rules of Internet Realtionships 

http://teenadvice.about.com/od/streetsmarts/a/onlinefriends_2.htm

Missing Pieces

It's been about 3 weeks since I last posted, so I have quite a bit to say and to get off my mind. I usually try and post once a week but since my daughter leaving I've been really down and not really wanting to do much of anything lately. Today I just needed to sit down and get things off my chest release the tension that has been building. 

House Arrest 

Because of my condition I fell trapped, as if I am in a prisoner in my own home. What's funny is before I started taking anti-depressants I wanted to be home and left alone. Now that I'm on anti-depressants I want to get out and do things. Now with this condition, I'm physically challenged on some days but it doesn't stop there not long ago we voluntarily turned in our Dodge Journey. So we are down to 1 vehicle so I can't go anywhere without either

• A. Drive Dave to work or
• B. Wait for Dave to get home from work.  

So I find myself stuck since Dave usually doesn't get home until 5:30 - 6pm and by then I'm done for the day. I only leave the house each day to walk the kids to and from the bus stop. I socialize a bit with the waiting parents than as the bus comes and goes.. we are on our way.

Katelyn goes Home 

I had an awesome time when Katelyn was here. She's my oldest daughter about to turn 13, amazing it's been so long. When we hang out during the summer we cuddle like she's 4 years old again. I really miss her and made a huge mistake in my life allowing myself to be so willing to give up everything to get away from my ex. I wanted away from him so badly, at the time of the divorce I didn't have a job, I didn't have a car, I was barely getting by. It was the best choice for her. It kills me. Now she's with her Dad and while he's still controlling she loves him and she knows how he is. He's a good father I do know that, wasn't the best husband for me tho. Anyway off topic.. Katelyn had a good time here although we didn't do much in the line of fun stuff away from the house. But just as the last week ends we found even more common interests. Our love for music and the kinds of music. It was funny going through my music lists putting it on her shuffle. She would tell me how much she liked a particular song and I'd remember she was only 4 when it came out. Good times. I hope her dad will allow her to come visit us at Christmas time.. it's been so long since I've had a Christmas with her! I think the last one I remember she was 6 years old. That's awful! Either way she knows I love her deeply.. she will always be my baby girl!

Good Bye - Katelyn, Tampa 
 & Tropical Storm Issac
It was time for Katelyn to go home :( She was flying out of Tampa. So after David got off work the girls jumped into the blazer and drove to my Dad's house. We got in later than I wanted to but we made it. It was a fun little trip going out there with Katelyn, Cassidy and I although I wish we could have gotten a bit more time with Katelyn while we were there. Katelyn's flight was first thing in the morning so she got to see Grandpa before he headed off to work and before we left. I got lost going to my Dad's house and seriously I'm not shocked my Phone's GPS seems to take us a different route everytime. I dunno why, just does. But it cost us time and gas.. we got in around 10 pm that night. Everyone was asleep except one of my sisters V-L She sat and talked to us for a bit than we were off to sleep.
Got Katelyn off to the airport just fine, no problems there.. we went through security.. thankfully not the x-ray machine this time. I really hate going through that thing, I feel like I'm being violated or something. Anyway, we got to her gate just as they were already starting to board the plane. I didn't cry.. until I couldn't see her anymore. I watched her walk all the way down and get on the plane. Than my eyes wouldn't stop watering. 

Headed back to my Dad's house to hang out with everyone back at the house. My Dad was at work so it was mostly a ladies day. When I got back it was just V-L there. We were chilling out and she told me about clearance at the Family Dollar store.. she asks if I want to go.. why not. While we were there she was looking at clothes and Cassidy pointed out these awesome sun hats. So we tried them on and posing for the camera. It's always fun to have a laugh or two with your kids and nieces. It was a great trip to be honest with you. While Dave was home with the boys cranky wanting his wife home I was just kicking back with the family. It's nice to get away once and awhile especially since I feel like I am under house arrest all the time. I know I'm not but I never seem to be able to just jump in a car and go. 

Tropical Storm Issac was starting to really hit Florida Sunday Aug 26 when I was heading home from Tampa. It's not a long drive across state, from my Dad's house it's only 3 hours but the last 15 miles home seemed like the longest drive ever. It wasn't bad at all until I got onto I 95. We were expecting them to call off school for Monday but they didn't so we sent the kids to school. Well little did anyone know how bad it was going to end up.. We were flooded. Our road was completely flooded I've never seen it so bad, now the question was HOW IN THE HELL AM I GOING TO GET THE KIDS!?! 

 

 asking myself where did the river come from. 

So you can see from the pictures that it wasn't so easy to get the kids.
I ended up pulling the stroller through the neighbor's back yard and stopped at the highest point and just waited. I am glad that Mrs C stopped and dropped the kids off for me at the corner. (Not the regular bus stop)
I was there for about an hour. The rain kept coming down, and a nice couple came asking if we needed anything. They brought over a garbage bag to put over Liam's roof top and me an umbrella. I was grateful. Its great to know there are strangers that really care about their neighbors!

Near by intersection of on our street. 

This Truck was passing in front of our house. 

 About 6pm that night I checked to see if they were going to have school .. they called it off go figure. Cause when I checked outside at 10pm - later that night - it was all gone.. it was dry!

 

The Fights with my Sisters..  I usually just take it easy but lately I am just not in a mood to take things easy. I don't think my sister V and I can ever mend our relationship. We are just two different people. While I love her so much and I'd do anything for her she's insulted me in so many ways that she doesn't even know. This last time we got into an argument my younger sister A got caught in the middle of it. While I am not mad at her now cause I now know what she was trying to do at the time I felt betrayed. Since communication sucks in my family 3 weeks later we still aren't talking. I sent her a text today and it didn't seem to go over well either. She was upset cause I unfriended her on Facebook. It's not like I kicked her out of my life but to her I guess it seems as if I have. I can't seem to please anyone no matter how much I've tried. I've tried being nice and complacent for too long I suppose. It just didn't work and while I have too much going on in my life and I want to talk to my sisters I can't. By blood they are my sisters but somehow I've always felt like I was more like a distant cousin they don't really talk to.  The love I have for my sisters goes beyond what either of them will ever know, I just wish I knew how to break this damn cycle of pain that keeps us apart! 

School Starts.... 

This time of year is always a great thing, they get back into school and start seeing friends again..
Well it is Reiley's first year in a structured environment so he's not doing so well at following all the rules. That's to be expected in my opinion. Reiley like my other children is very strong minded and wants to do what Reiley wants to do. We are still working out the bugs with them.. so hopefully he'll start to get the hang of it soon. Cassidy on the other hand has been a total thorn in my side, she's always up and ready to go to school... even gets into the shower on her own! All before I wake up in the morning. My alarm goes off at 7am, I don't know how that girl does it anyway.. it's the after school part we have problems with. She doesn't listen to me, she doesn't want to do her homework, she doesn't want to read, she doesn't put her book bag away and loses her planner. This is all in the first month school as began. I suppose I have to be thankful she enjoys going. 

Clipart by Ron Leishman - http://clipartof.com/441064

The kids' bus stop isn't on our road anymore which really sucks for me. It's really not that far either but for me it can be too far. I haven't had a total bad day yet, but today as I was walking in a Thunderstorm with sharp piercing bolts of lightening lighting up the sky it was a bit nerve racking to be walking Liam and myself in that especially since Liam is in a stroller. Yes walking in the rain today.. so much fun .. NOT! The main road that the bus stop is on is so busy too, I hate it! Always so much traffic with no side walks. I can't really push a stroller in the sandy grass. Today I pushed myself to far trying to get to the bus stop in the rain while wearing this huge overcoat that I've had since High School. I had Liam covered by a thick beach towel. Thankfully he stayed dry! I could feel the rain seeping through my jacket and onto my skin. Gave me the creeps.
I've emailed the Bus transportation several times about adding a stop back to my road because of my condition. Having Fibromyalgia isn't always easy and it brings on more stress which is ironic since the damn thing is caused by too much stress (so they think). They told me it's within the .20 miles from my home location. I don't understand why they couldn't just swing by and pick up the kids.. the bus driver is a gem tho. I love Mrs C. She has been outstanding since Cassidy started Kindergarten. She told me next time it rains to wait closer to my house but still on the busy main road and she'll drop the kids off. She knows that I struggle, I really appreciate the effort she does for me and my family!!! She will be rewarded in life for sure, I know as a going away gift we plan to do something extra special because she's been so wonderful! 

Is it coming or not???

Liam has been super cranky these days, he's more cranky after his naps. So the last few days my afternoons have been in complete hell. While I walk the kids home from the bus stop I stress cause of traffic, my legs are working double time and simply it's the end of the day. I don't feel good myself. But like I said Liam has been cranky.. he's got a tooth that just doesn't seem to want to pop out. I've helped him soothe it with ice pops and he chews on his favorite blanket but he's just a bear. He'll want to sit on my lap but than get down and than screams at me cause I put him down. He wanted down in the first place OMG. So I pick him up. He cuddles on my lap and against my chest for a time especially when I am patting him on the back. It's so nice and gentle but than he'll want down again. So OK! I put him down and the cycle of screaming and whining begins again. He'll follow me whining where ever I go. If he I feel he wants something to eat he refuses food. And all he'll take is a bottle, but that's only when he's really hungry cause otherwise he'll take a sip and throw it to the ground leaking milk all over my damn floor.. I know don't cry over spilt milk. It's just stressful. For some reason he's not as unbearable when Dave's around. He probably just likes him more I swear. So tonight I tried to give him dinner he refused I said FINE.. grabbed his bottle scooped him up and off to bed he went. So much quieter in the house right now. :) 

Moods.... 

Lately I can't seem to control my moods, like today I was super happy until about noon.. one person set me off and that set my entire day for disaster. So not fair to the people who live in this house I'll tell you that. Thankfully my husband loves me so much that he works around my moods and tries to help as much as he can where he can. (At least today is he)
Things keep going wrong in so many ways, I just wish there was a solution to fix some of our financial problems. I want to go back to work but physically I wouldn't make it long. Dave tells me this all the time and makes me feel like I can't do it so why try. If I do say screw it drop my case with Social Security Disability and try and go back to work so I feel worth a shit, I fail and have to start the damn process all over again. I certainly don't want that. I don't think I can handle it. I know there is nothing we can do but mentally I'm exhausted, I'm stressed. Our debt has gotten out of control when we try and relieve ourselves of one problem another pops up. I'm only kidding myself. Whose to say in a year or two when I finally go to court that I will even be awarded. I guess I have to wait and see but it tears me up further and further inside.


I'm in a downward spiral and hitting every step down 

as I roll down further and further...
I don't think there is any getting up anymore. 

  Credit to the artist..

The Downward Spiralby ~wiwijumbo

Photography / Abstract & Surreal

©2002-2012 ~wiwijumbo

White Sheep

I just don't know where to go or even how to say this.. with life I never do anything that seems of worth right. All I ever want in my life is my family back, because of something that wasn't my fault!
When I was a kid I very close to my sister V after our mom died things changed to the extreme in our lives especially when our father remarried. There are so many fond memories with my sister V that I could share from the time we were very young until our involuntary separation. The crazy sad part about my memory is because of the traumatic event that occurred when my mother died I can't remember things about her. My therapist suggested that because of my traumatic experience I've blocked out memories of my mother. No one understands this. They can't seem to understand that I have more thing wrong with me than they can understand. When I was away I wasn't allowed to contact my sister V or other siblings. I had a hard time understanding this cause every holiday while I was living with my Aunt I called my father. I didn't want to be away I wanted my family. 

Seriously it wasn't my fault! Stop blaming me! I didn't leave you by choice I was forced to leave. I wanted to stay! What if I did listen to her, do what she said, didn't challenge her - I think we would have forgotten Mom. I still don't know what "she" hated me more than the rest of my siblings! I don't care really, I just miss my family - how we once were. 

When I was 16, I was able to come back into my family's lives but by then it was too late, we were all different we didn't seem to click like we did when we were younger. My Brother M and younger sister A started to have a relationship but it just didn't work out living back with my Dad so I left on my own terms this time. Again no matter what I always called on the holidays. I wasn't the perfect person I don't know what happened when I was gone. I've only been told stories and I can't change the pass. 

The reason I am just allowing myself to open up wide about things in my past is because it is still affecting my present and future. What I've always wanted is what I had before my mother died. Seriously should not be so complicated to become friends with your own family. I don't even have a healthy relationship with my father. I honestly feel like I am the "Black Sheep" of the family. (Black sheep is an idiom used to describe an odd or disreputable member of a group, especially within a family.) I felt that someday that would just fade away especially when I always try to show my kindness and love but I suppose it was just my stupidity and desperation. 

I have my own family now and while I didn't plan to make it a big family it has become that. I love all my children the same. I wouldn't give up any one of them. I would never send one child away even for a summer to separate them cause I can't risk what happened to me to happen to them. It's bad enough the poor choices I made during my 1st divorce cost me custody with my oldest daughter. But even with her not living with me full time I have a wonderful relationship with her. She loves her sister and 2 brothers with the greatest love. She fights with her sister as I have with mine. I remember times when sister A and I would get into it about stupid little things or my brother M getting into my stuff. That's what siblings do, it's harder for daughter K because she is much older than the rest of her siblings.  

What I am really trying to say most of all is that I love my sisters and brothers. I never wanted to have a separation between us especially to effect our entire lives. I wanted to have my children play and have fun with my sibling's children as our parents did with our cousins. We have so many memories of spending time with them and enjoying life. I heard something today while I was watching  Greek (ABC Family Series) one of the sisters said  "Forgiveness is the supreme act of sisterhood."  I thought this was great especially cause not only did one sister hurt me I unintentionally hurt another sister in return. In the mess of things I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want us to fight (while it will happen because we all have different personalities) I am hurt by them more than they even realize. I am glad they have a close relationship but that video killed me. I didn't think something so little would effect me so. 

I want to be apart of their lives! I want to be on a call list! I want to know when things aren't going well with anything. That is what a big sis is for! I didn't betray you by leaving! I didn't want to leave I wanted "them" to leave! So here I am the "Black Sheep" who just wants to be a "White Sheep."  It will never happen so many battle scars and no one knows how to just strike the match and explain how they really feel. Over a course of  27 years now the hits keep coming.

I'm sorry Mom I couldn't keep us together! I'm sorry Mom that I have to let them go. I've exhausted my last efforts and I barely have strength now to take care of me anymore. I make the effort and I never feel like they make an effort in return! I love you Mom! It wasn't my fault! I tried! My heart is always open for them to come to me.  I just can't fight for something anymore that no one else wants. A understands, she knows.. she listens! I need to focus on my family now your grandchildren are wonderful even when they drive me up the wall! Reiley said the funniest thing the other day to Dave.. He looked right at him and said "Dad, your ears are not normal." Dave and I laughed so hard and I hugged my little man said.. you know what Rei Rei.. you are right! 

The Road To Recovery

     Last week I had a break down! Everything seem to happen all at once and the stress consumed me so much that sometimes its not worth living. Then one day I felt a tug in my heart, in my soul and its my loved ones making me remember the importance of my life. I have 4 beautiful children and the best husband ever I truly need to stop thinking of myself and stay here to teach my children how to grow up and be great parents, live a prosperous life, just everything in life. My husband needs his wife, his soul mate and simply the one who controls him. (Not in a bad way.. please know that) My Uncle Scott used to say to me it was the cowards way out. I do agree with him but sometimes fighting is so hard. I plan to fight but sometimes I just have weak moments.

     Well in my weak moment I cut myself off of most communications with my friends. I deactivated my Facebook account even. I didn't want to talk to anyone not a soul. A few days later my husband and I talked about sharing his Facebook. I thought it was a good idea but then I started to receive messages on my husband's account and on my page (DeVinewashere) asking me where I was and if everything was OK. Asking if I was mad at them and more. I just want my friends and everyone I am OK! I will be OK! Working on resolving my pain!

Friendship!

 
The connection you make with people is more than you can ever imagine.  When you look  up friendship in the dictionary you read this Friendship is a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. I missed this in my hours of weakness. I didn't realize the impact I had on my friends when I just disappeared and didn't say goodbye or explain anything, I just dropped off the face of the earth. I am sorry for that I truly am. The picture I found explains it perfectly Your Friendship is a gift I enjoy opening every day. I forgot about that wonderful gift for a moment when I deactivated my account. What's important is that my friends did hold strong for me and welcomed me back openly. I will never make that mistake again! A huge thank you for all my friends for loving me so much as I love you! 

The Death Wish!

(This is not the actual spider)

       Usually I try and clean the kitchen up right after dinner but that never happens. Once I have my belly full I walking back to my computer, smoke a cigarette and take my pills. Oh joy.. I love that part of the night. Open 1 bottle, 2 bottle, 3 bottle.. 4. and it seems to continue. Anyway, as I am cleaning up the kitchen after everyone is asleep I fed the dog and out from under the stove comes a little spider. He was headed for Rocky! As I was picking up things off the floor and throwing things away he seen me. I was like oh god, but I didn't jump on the counter tops like Dave does and scream like a lil girl. Hehe.. I'm a tough girl! Anyhow the spider comes racing towards my toes. I was like Oh HELL NO! You're asking for a death wish.. took a napkin and sent him packing. Now seriously even if he wasn't running after my toes I would have sent him to spider heaven anyway... no damn way I want them critters in my house. Anyway, to me it was kinda funny at how it all went down.  

DeVine