White Sheep

I just don't know where to go or even how to say this.. with life I never do anything that seems of worth right. All I ever want in my life is my family back, because of something that wasn't my fault!
When I was a kid I very close to my sister V after our mom died things changed to the extreme in our lives especially when our father remarried. There are so many fond memories with my sister V that I could share from the time we were very young until our involuntary separation. The crazy sad part about my memory is because of the traumatic event that occurred when my mother died I can't remember things about her. My therapist suggested that because of my traumatic experience I've blocked out memories of my mother. No one understands this. They can't seem to understand that I have more thing wrong with me than they can understand. When I was away I wasn't allowed to contact my sister V or other siblings. I had a hard time understanding this cause every holiday while I was living with my Aunt I called my father. I didn't want to be away I wanted my family. 

Seriously it wasn't my fault! Stop blaming me! I didn't leave you by choice I was forced to leave. I wanted to stay! What if I did listen to her, do what she said, didn't challenge her - I think we would have forgotten Mom. I still don't know what "she" hated me more than the rest of my siblings! I don't care really, I just miss my family - how we once were. 

When I was 16, I was able to come back into my family's lives but by then it was too late, we were all different we didn't seem to click like we did when we were younger. My Brother M and younger sister A started to have a relationship but it just didn't work out living back with my Dad so I left on my own terms this time. Again no matter what I always called on the holidays. I wasn't the perfect person I don't know what happened when I was gone. I've only been told stories and I can't change the pass. 

The reason I am just allowing myself to open up wide about things in my past is because it is still affecting my present and future. What I've always wanted is what I had before my mother died. Seriously should not be so complicated to become friends with your own family. I don't even have a healthy relationship with my father. I honestly feel like I am the "Black Sheep" of the family. (Black sheep is an idiom used to describe an odd or disreputable member of a group, especially within a family.) I felt that someday that would just fade away especially when I always try to show my kindness and love but I suppose it was just my stupidity and desperation. 

I have my own family now and while I didn't plan to make it a big family it has become that. I love all my children the same. I wouldn't give up any one of them. I would never send one child away even for a summer to separate them cause I can't risk what happened to me to happen to them. It's bad enough the poor choices I made during my 1st divorce cost me custody with my oldest daughter. But even with her not living with me full time I have a wonderful relationship with her. She loves her sister and 2 brothers with the greatest love. She fights with her sister as I have with mine. I remember times when sister A and I would get into it about stupid little things or my brother M getting into my stuff. That's what siblings do, it's harder for daughter K because she is much older than the rest of her siblings.  

What I am really trying to say most of all is that I love my sisters and brothers. I never wanted to have a separation between us especially to effect our entire lives. I wanted to have my children play and have fun with my sibling's children as our parents did with our cousins. We have so many memories of spending time with them and enjoying life. I heard something today while I was watching  Greek (ABC Family Series) one of the sisters said  "Forgiveness is the supreme act of sisterhood."  I thought this was great especially cause not only did one sister hurt me I unintentionally hurt another sister in return. In the mess of things I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want us to fight (while it will happen because we all have different personalities) I am hurt by them more than they even realize. I am glad they have a close relationship but that video killed me. I didn't think something so little would effect me so. 

I want to be apart of their lives! I want to be on a call list! I want to know when things aren't going well with anything. That is what a big sis is for! I didn't betray you by leaving! I didn't want to leave I wanted "them" to leave! So here I am the "Black Sheep" who just wants to be a "White Sheep."  It will never happen so many battle scars and no one knows how to just strike the match and explain how they really feel. Over a course of  27 years now the hits keep coming.

I'm sorry Mom I couldn't keep us together! I'm sorry Mom that I have to let them go. I've exhausted my last efforts and I barely have strength now to take care of me anymore. I make the effort and I never feel like they make an effort in return! I love you Mom! It wasn't my fault! I tried! My heart is always open for them to come to me.  I just can't fight for something anymore that no one else wants. A understands, she knows.. she listens! I need to focus on my family now your grandchildren are wonderful even when they drive me up the wall! Reiley said the funniest thing the other day to Dave.. He looked right at him and said "Dad, your ears are not normal." Dave and I laughed so hard and I hugged my little man said.. you know what Rei Rei.. you are right!