White Sheep

I just don't know where to go or even how to say this.. with life I never do anything that seems of worth right. All I ever want in my life is my family back, because of something that wasn't my fault!
When I was a kid I very close to my sister V after our mom died things changed to the extreme in our lives especially when our father remarried. There are so many fond memories with my sister V that I could share from the time we were very young until our involuntary separation. The crazy sad part about my memory is because of the traumatic event that occurred when my mother died I can't remember things about her. My therapist suggested that because of my traumatic experience I've blocked out memories of my mother. No one understands this. They can't seem to understand that I have more thing wrong with me than they can understand. When I was away I wasn't allowed to contact my sister V or other siblings. I had a hard time understanding this cause every holiday while I was living with my Aunt I called my father. I didn't want to be away I wanted my family. 

Seriously it wasn't my fault! Stop blaming me! I didn't leave you by choice I was forced to leave. I wanted to stay! What if I did listen to her, do what she said, didn't challenge her - I think we would have forgotten Mom. I still don't know what "she" hated me more than the rest of my siblings! I don't care really, I just miss my family - how we once were. 

When I was 16, I was able to come back into my family's lives but by then it was too late, we were all different we didn't seem to click like we did when we were younger. My Brother M and younger sister A started to have a relationship but it just didn't work out living back with my Dad so I left on my own terms this time. Again no matter what I always called on the holidays. I wasn't the perfect person I don't know what happened when I was gone. I've only been told stories and I can't change the pass. 

The reason I am just allowing myself to open up wide about things in my past is because it is still affecting my present and future. What I've always wanted is what I had before my mother died. Seriously should not be so complicated to become friends with your own family. I don't even have a healthy relationship with my father. I honestly feel like I am the "Black Sheep" of the family. (Black sheep is an idiom used to describe an odd or disreputable member of a group, especially within a family.) I felt that someday that would just fade away especially when I always try to show my kindness and love but I suppose it was just my stupidity and desperation. 

I have my own family now and while I didn't plan to make it a big family it has become that. I love all my children the same. I wouldn't give up any one of them. I would never send one child away even for a summer to separate them cause I can't risk what happened to me to happen to them. It's bad enough the poor choices I made during my 1st divorce cost me custody with my oldest daughter. But even with her not living with me full time I have a wonderful relationship with her. She loves her sister and 2 brothers with the greatest love. She fights with her sister as I have with mine. I remember times when sister A and I would get into it about stupid little things or my brother M getting into my stuff. That's what siblings do, it's harder for daughter K because she is much older than the rest of her siblings.  

What I am really trying to say most of all is that I love my sisters and brothers. I never wanted to have a separation between us especially to effect our entire lives. I wanted to have my children play and have fun with my sibling's children as our parents did with our cousins. We have so many memories of spending time with them and enjoying life. I heard something today while I was watching  Greek (ABC Family Series) one of the sisters said  "Forgiveness is the supreme act of sisterhood."  I thought this was great especially cause not only did one sister hurt me I unintentionally hurt another sister in return. In the mess of things I don't want to hurt anyone, I don't want us to fight (while it will happen because we all have different personalities) I am hurt by them more than they even realize. I am glad they have a close relationship but that video killed me. I didn't think something so little would effect me so. 

I want to be apart of their lives! I want to be on a call list! I want to know when things aren't going well with anything. That is what a big sis is for! I didn't betray you by leaving! I didn't want to leave I wanted "them" to leave! So here I am the "Black Sheep" who just wants to be a "White Sheep."  It will never happen so many battle scars and no one knows how to just strike the match and explain how they really feel. Over a course of  27 years now the hits keep coming.

I'm sorry Mom I couldn't keep us together! I'm sorry Mom that I have to let them go. I've exhausted my last efforts and I barely have strength now to take care of me anymore. I make the effort and I never feel like they make an effort in return! I love you Mom! It wasn't my fault! I tried! My heart is always open for them to come to me.  I just can't fight for something anymore that no one else wants. A understands, she knows.. she listens! I need to focus on my family now your grandchildren are wonderful even when they drive me up the wall! Reiley said the funniest thing the other day to Dave.. He looked right at him and said "Dad, your ears are not normal." Dave and I laughed so hard and I hugged my little man said.. you know what Rei Rei.. you are right! 

The Road To Recovery

     Last week I had a break down! Everything seem to happen all at once and the stress consumed me so much that sometimes its not worth living. Then one day I felt a tug in my heart, in my soul and its my loved ones making me remember the importance of my life. I have 4 beautiful children and the best husband ever I truly need to stop thinking of myself and stay here to teach my children how to grow up and be great parents, live a prosperous life, just everything in life. My husband needs his wife, his soul mate and simply the one who controls him. (Not in a bad way.. please know that) My Uncle Scott used to say to me it was the cowards way out. I do agree with him but sometimes fighting is so hard. I plan to fight but sometimes I just have weak moments.

     Well in my weak moment I cut myself off of most communications with my friends. I deactivated my Facebook account even. I didn't want to talk to anyone not a soul. A few days later my husband and I talked about sharing his Facebook. I thought it was a good idea but then I started to receive messages on my husband's account and on my page (DeVinewashere) asking me where I was and if everything was OK. Asking if I was mad at them and more. I just want my friends and everyone I am OK! I will be OK! Working on resolving my pain!

Friendship!

 
The connection you make with people is more than you can ever imagine.  When you look  up friendship in the dictionary you read this Friendship is a relationship between two people who hold mutual affection for each other. I missed this in my hours of weakness. I didn't realize the impact I had on my friends when I just disappeared and didn't say goodbye or explain anything, I just dropped off the face of the earth. I am sorry for that I truly am. The picture I found explains it perfectly Your Friendship is a gift I enjoy opening every day. I forgot about that wonderful gift for a moment when I deactivated my account. What's important is that my friends did hold strong for me and welcomed me back openly. I will never make that mistake again! A huge thank you for all my friends for loving me so much as I love you! 

The Death Wish!

(This is not the actual spider)

       Usually I try and clean the kitchen up right after dinner but that never happens. Once I have my belly full I walking back to my computer, smoke a cigarette and take my pills. Oh joy.. I love that part of the night. Open 1 bottle, 2 bottle, 3 bottle.. 4. and it seems to continue. Anyway, as I am cleaning up the kitchen after everyone is asleep I fed the dog and out from under the stove comes a little spider. He was headed for Rocky! As I was picking up things off the floor and throwing things away he seen me. I was like oh god, but I didn't jump on the counter tops like Dave does and scream like a lil girl. Hehe.. I'm a tough girl! Anyhow the spider comes racing towards my toes. I was like Oh HELL NO! You're asking for a death wish.. took a napkin and sent him packing. Now seriously even if he wasn't running after my toes I would have sent him to spider heaven anyway... no damn way I want them critters in my house. Anyway, to me it was kinda funny at how it all went down.  

DeVine

a temper tantrum

When you think the next month of your life is going to change. You set up a budget, you know your daughter is coming to town and you'll be able to put a little bit in savings for once.

Then it happens... that moment in time when everything goes to shit!

     Tuesday morning started out to be a regular day, we were all laughing and having fun and woke up Daddy. For breakfast we were going to have a treat, it had been too long since we went some place for a fun breakfast. We headed down to Dunkin Donuts for some awesome coffee and donuts. Afterwards we ran over to walmart to grab a few things before my coupons expired. Yes I'm a couponer! I love it - saves me money! Anyhow... back to my day. We went to Wal-mart and grabbed those items, by the time we were leaving I realized it was getting close to my appointment to get an ultra sound on my pelvic. See last week the doctor's office called and said there was something going on with my ovaries. Not even a month before I had thought I found a lump in my breast. Only thankful that when I did tests there was nothing there!!! But when they did the blood test for the breast they found something wrong with my ovaries.

So it's one stress after another. I'm getting off track again! As we were driving to my appointment at the hospital we realized that the engine was getting hot and wasn't cooling down. As if we needed this problem. So I asked David to just drop me off at the hospital and head over to one of those places to get it checked out. I took Cassidy with me to my appointment and Dave took the boys with him. Cassidy and I had fun joking around and making fun of the Men's Volleyball Team on the Olympics. I told her I didn't think they should be in the Olympics and she than stated to me "Mom, it is a sport." Yeah it is!  We get through my ultra sound and then called David to pick us up.  We find out the bad news! The thermostat was rusted shut and that is why we were overheating. SON OF A B* we didn't plan for this.. well we started to head home and the car started overheating bad again, this time the engine was sounding like it was going to blow. (I know this sound so well) So we pulled over at a gas station, and we were stuck there for about 30 minutes before someone from Midis came out to help us. We took the blazer back to Midis and thinking we would just rent a car for a day or two. OMG The rental companies aren't like they used to. They wouldn't allow me to rent a car with a $200 deposit plus the fees to rent the car. At this point I only had $110 in the checking account. I had a mini break-down at midis! With everything going on with me and with Dave's work he can't afford to take time away or get into trouble.

The midis guy could see that we were stressed and pressed to have our blazer back. He struck a deal with us I was so grateful for it. He took what we had in the checking account which was $110. as a partial payment and we could come back tomorrow (Wednesday) for the remaining $123. This gave us much relief that the midis guy could do that for us and was able to complete the task in about an hour to hour and half. I didn't keep track for once I wasn't looking at my watch asking would they hurry up cause I was simply thankful they would do the work.  Businesses today don't usually work deals like with you, not like they used to, so I have to say the Midis in Port Saint Lucie is awesome!  We come home and I hadn't thawed any food especially since we didn't plan on being out all day. We left the house at 9:30am and didn't get home until almost 5 or 5:30pm, it was only supposed to be a quick trip .. ugh! We came home unloaded the car from our Walmart trip earlier that day, can also be thankful we had no cold/frozen items! (What a waste of money that would have been!) The kids run in to fetch Rocky and take him out when they discovered he tore up the carpet in front of my bedroom door!

Torn Carpet - Only padding remains! 

I had Dave cut off the ripped up carpet because it would interfere with the door opening and closing. It was really bad. As you can see it's a pretty big chunk of carpet. David was so pissed off I am still shocked that Rocky is still alive. I guess its cause I usually know how to calm David down. We ended up taking the $20 I had in savings (remember I said I was trying to save money.. haha, yeah right!) and moved it back to the checking account so we could order dinner. Dominos is our hero on nights like this!


     Wednesday came along and my body hurt! So I didn't do too much at all except play ref with the kids. I can't wait until school starts seems like the kids are always getting into a fight each hour of the day! Mom Reiley hit me.. Mom Cassidy kicked me! Just over and over but that's the life of siblings! Because of the pain I couldn't sleep by the time I start getting sleepy when the kids woke up. So I stayed awake all night and then...





     Thursday comes along.. all day long it was the same regular day - watching The Vampire Diaries Season 2 damn that friend of mine for getting me involved in another TV Series but I actually like it and Cassidy does too. Although she doesn't watch it as much as I do. She'll come in and sit down and start watching it. The she asks questions about what's going on. Its kinda funny but she usually does it at the wrong times. So I have to tell her to pause it and I tell her everything that's happened. Getting off track again.. about 3:45pm my ex husband calls making a fuss over money and flights. I swear really. So I had to call the airline about Katelyn's flight it was another stress trigger - He called! usually never good when he calls me - I called Southwest Airlines to get Katelyn's flight fixed. I was crying of course cause I felt that she wasn't going to be able to come visit this year. I didn't think Southwest was going to help me or I wasn't going to be able to afford new tickets. As I was talking to the woman we did find a suitable flight for Katelyn to fly into West Palm Beach. She doesn't have to change plans like before but she will have to fly longer on the plane than the first flight I had chosen for her. B had mentioned that instead of her flying back to Michigan that he wanted to meet her in Denver. I got that also worked out but instead of her flying out of West Palm Beach she will be flying out of Tampa. *Sigh* Tampa is about 3 hours from where I live, which means that I will probably end up spending the night at my Dad's house the night before. I got all that situated thankfully but didn't help my stress level much.

 Dave calls me to let me know he's on his way home! About 15-20 minutes later I get another phone call from my husband who is stressed out and yelling that the tire blew out. It was sooo bad!

So as you can see from the pictures .. we needed to buy a new tire too. It was horrible he had only left work was on the highway when it happened and he didn't have a spare. So we called the insurance company to double check to see if we had roadside service.. we don't. So I told him to call our cell provider sometimes that's part of the plan.. it wasn't. So he calls the insurance company back and they assist him with getting intouch with a tow truck. I assume it was cheaper rate doing this but I don't know. I just know Progressive charged us $117 for a tow. While Dave was waiting for the tow guy I asked for the tire size and found that it was going to be about $135 to $156 for a new tire.. just 1 new tire.  Usually if you buy a tire it's highly recommended to buy a 2nd new tire.. My stress was through the roof at this point.








Facebook is usually my outlet on my problems. Thursday night I posted something can't remember exact words but it went something to the effect is.. "Why does this shit fucking happening to me!" So I blew up after I seen a friend say something! I know she didn't know what was going on instead of saying something out of anger I did what is best for me and all my friends. I deactivated my Facebook account. I don't need to be venting there anymore anyway. But it was my temper tantrum for the week. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I really lost it. I still don't really know why I am allowing things to get me down. I am so stressed out lately I can't sleep when I do finally get to sleep I don't or can't wake up.



Thank goodness Friday comes! Katelyn will be here tomorrow oh but wait! I can't seem to move all the muscles in my body are so sore over all the stress this week! So today again I had to relax and hopefully  release all the stress. I have taken all my meds and now I'm ready for my body to say "Ok time for bed" well it's 4:30am Saturday morning and I'm here writing cause I can't seem to sleep. *smh*


Today is going to be a great day! Happy Saturday!

Fibromyalgia is my curse

Everyday is just another day, I just wait until my pain becomes overly too baring on my day where I can't do anything. Today I start out by getting my daughter ready for school going over her homework before she leaves for the bus. I walk her to her bus stop with no issues. Once Cassidy is on the bus I turn back to but my son's car seat into the car and then I see 3 figures walking down the road; one tall, one medium and a lil guy. Here they come! I realize that my friend's oldest daughter will sit with my kids while taking my friends smaller kids to their day school, this was a big help! My 1st son Reiley doesn't really like leaving their school he wants to go so bad! I keep telling him "Next Year"!

I get the kids to their school and rush back stopping at walgreens to pick up diapers for my youngest baby. While I was at the day school the cutest thing happened. I had about ten 2 year olds come up to me giving me all high fives! It was so cute even one little boy ran across the room to give me a high five before I walked out the door. This I think so far was the highlight of my day!

I'm home now, I get the baby out of his crib change his bottom and give kisses and hugs! Set him down on the floor to play! Reiley is content with his DS Game System he loves that new toy of his! Then I walk into the kitchen and glance at the laundry and want to scream!!!!

There is such a large pile of laundry I will be doing laundry for the rest of the day - doesn't seem like my husband can't even help start a load or finish. With my condition my chores become harder for me on a daily basis and since last weekend I was in such pain I didn't do anything but relax. I guess this shows that I can't relax and I must regardless of what is going on continue to do my daily chores around the house!

Written : April 24, 2012
Posted : Aug 02, 2012

The Seven Year Old Teenager

The Wheels On The Bus...

So, I've been stressing out since we lost one of our cars how Reiley (4) was going to get to and from school each day! Well now I'm excited.. Yesterday I called the school board bus transportation and Reiley will be able to ride the bus with Cassidy (7) to school! This was a HUGE relief off my shoulders. All I need to do is worry about waking up and getting the kids ready for school each morning. But now I don't have to worry about getting a 2nd car too quickly I know we still need one.. just hope nothing goes wrong at school!

The Seven Year Old Teenager



Dear Burger King!

I would like to first tell you my Bacon Cheese Whooper was friggin' awesome. But I am sad to report that while the food today for the first time in a long time was good (well except the fries cause you never seem to get those right ) anyway... My 7 year old daughter is very upset and wants a refund on her lil Kids meal. The Toy you provided was boring, stupid and not cool. I really think the idea was admirable children need more toys that make them think and learn. Discovery Kids! the only problem I had was really.. The swirly thing with a dinosaur.. anyway. Here's my note to you from the 7 year old teenager.. stop putting stupid, dumb not cool toys in the kids meal or else I am going to demand a refund.
Yeah I know.. lil runt didn't even pay for it. I did.

Sincerely,
Still thrilled about my Bacon Cheese Whooper hold the ketchup!


Purple Roses
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                 


David knows that I'm not doing well yesterday. So he runs out for a moment to grab something at the store and brings me some ice cream and these beautiful purple roses. What a great Guy I married! I love u David!  

• Purple Roses 

The color purple has been associated with royalty and depicts elegance and grandeur. The purple rose meaning is also seen as beautiful and majestic. Telling the person you are sending the single purple rose or bouquet is the romantic way of saying you have fallen in love with them. Can also say you find her majestic and special. The purple rose is also used when proposing to again reinforce the “enchantment”. A purple rose for an anniversary present will remind you both of your “Falling in Love at First Sight”.

So ironic that he would choose these roses, I'm nearly positive that he didn't know the meaning behind the purple roses. My David tells me all the time I am the queen of the house (royalty) and he still in love with me and that I am beautiful. I think these roses were perfect for us. After six years of being together we are still in love with one another. It's a wonderful feeling when a marriage works! 

Hi ! 


Yesterday Liam (14 mos) would enter the  room with a large smile and say Hi. All day he would just walk into a room and just simply say Hi! He's learning to talk but his only true word is Hi! Boy Howdy he's a walker!